September 12, 2010

A Dilemma

I'm having a dilemma of sorts.

A selfish dilemma.

I'll tell you a bit about it.

I was reading a blog a couple of weeks ago and the writer said that she worries (like crazy worry) about her husband and children dying and her being left alone. She said she goes to great lengths to insure that if her husband and two children are together in a car, that she is also with them.

She just can't stand the thought of living a life without them in it.

As I read the blog I was struck at how far away my thoughts are from hers.

I can't stand the thought of my children being left without me. I try to prepare them as best I can to be pretty self-sufficient. I even teach school as much like they would get at public school as I can, I make them raise their hands, on the chance that something might happen to me and they will have to go to "real school".

As I have been thinking about this and wondering why I think this way, I've come to a conclusion. I was raised by a terrific mother. I can't think of anything worse then losing my mother. I don't want my children to experience that. Because my mother was so great and the thought of losing her is, well, awful. I have the same feeling about my children losing me.

It's a selfish thought. The other blogger was unselfish in her thinking. Or was she? Maybe she was selfishly thinking about how bad it would for her. Maybe I'm not being selfish in my thinking (however I'm pretty sure I am.)

See the dilemma? Selfish or selfless? Because I'm a sinner I know for sure that I'm selfish. But I don't want anything to happen to my husband or my children. I don't even want to think about life without them. Just writing that sentence makes me want to put this out of my mind. So, I can think the other way. I can think the other bloggers way. It just isn't my first train of thought.

So, what about you? How do you think?


  1. I think the same way you do....but you already knew that! :)

  2. I do not think it is selfish to want your children to have their Mom :)I do find that I take better care of myself than I would if I didn't have children that need me too! God bless you and help you to work through those thoughts to a conclusion that gives you peace.